General > Random Chat
New Friday Joke thread!
Greeners:
As the old one seems to have gone? :chicken:
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was
attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him
How he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you
how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the
ground, here she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her hard in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'
-----------------------------------------------------------
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'
dan.payne:
:signLOL:
Love the Tarzan one!
gulfstream11:
A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas, coconuts and the few fish that he managed to catch.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore on a boat.. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank a few months ago.'
'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a rowing boat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made this boat out of raw materials that I found on the other side of the island.. There's lots of wood, palms and vines.
'But, where did you get the tools?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'I found a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock. I used that for tools.
The guy is stunned.
'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walkway leading to an exquisite hut painted in yellow and white.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says cas ually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?'
'No thank you,' he mumbles, still dazed. 'I can't take any more coconut juice.'
'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I've managed to ferment some alcohol. How would you like a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down to talk.
After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a lovely fountain outside and I've made a razor out of tortoise bone..'
No longer surprised by anything, the man goes to shower and shave.
'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'Whatever will it be next?'
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her.
'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?'
She stares provocatively into his eyes ...
He swallows excitedly and tears start to well-up in his eyes.....
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'f*cking hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports
The wheel man:
^^^^^^^^^ Solid Gold :grin: :grin:
stealthwolf:
MATHS THROUGHOUT THE AGES
1. Teaching Maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths in 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths in 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths in 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths in 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths in 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to minority religious groups not consulted in the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it is deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident, however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies.
He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.
They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths in 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and its money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime mortgages in Alabama and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses. The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the government’s expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
8. Teaching Maths in 2017
Ø£ المسجل تبيع ØÂموله شاØÂنة منالخشب مناجل 100 دولار. صاØÂب تكلÙÂØ© الانتاج
منالثمن. ما هو الربؠله؟
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